The Snake Whisperer
While I was at conference, I had something less than awesome happen: I thought I had been bitten by bed bugs.
Now, before you freak out, IT WAS NOT BED BUGS.
Please don’t call our beleaguered conference hotel. As it turns out there’s some other bug out there who likes me. This is less than surprising to me because most bugs do.
That said, I wasn’t messing around with the possibility and I stayed in about eleventy-billion hotels over the summer, so I called in a professional. For the sake of this blog post, we’re going to call him Lewis. Mainly because I can.
Lewis comes in and inspects everything and gives me the happy news–no bed bugs! Then he gives me some less happy news: but that’s lizard poo. Oh, yes, gentle reader, there’s a crack between wall and floor in the corner of my bedroom and, at some point, we’ve had a scaly friend. I expressed some disdain. (Okay. I said some words and wanted Lewis to track down said lizard and escort him out) Lewis says, “Oh, don’t worry about that little guy! He’ll help eat any bugs.”
Comforting. I thought we’d just established that I didn’t have any bugs.
All right. Fine. Lizard’s probably gone. If he is still in the bedroom he will eat my imaginary bugs. And I won’t step on him at any time in the night because that would be wrong, and surely the universe loves me more than that. Note to self: fix gap between wall and floor.
Then I broke out the real question: “Lewis, what can you do about the snake?”
See, one of the first things Mom told me when I got back from conference was that she had seen a brown snake, possibly a copperhead, disappear under one of my unkempt shrubberies. I gave my standard response of
Unfortunately, my husband did not see the need to immediately move, so there I was with Lewis looking at the shrubbery in question and talking snake behavior. And this is, as best I can remember, what Lewis said,
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that snake! See, snakes like to move around. And he’s just as scared of you as you are of him. (At this point I interjected that this was highly unlikely) Besides, it’s about time for him to either die (?!) or hibernate. *points over at the woods* He’s gonna do that over there where there aren’t any people. Not in your shrubs. (At this point I tell Lewis that I’m going to trim said shrub) Well, now if you use an electric hedge trimmer, that’ll get his attention and he’ll get on out of there. If he should come by, just reach down there and cut his head off.”
Somehow I feel oddly comforted by all this. Even though the snake being in the shrubbery is somewhat contradictory to the snake going somewhere that is else. Still, I believe Lewis. Either I’m gullible or he just has that way about him.
I relay all this to the hubs and he texts back: LEWIS IS A SNAKE WHISPERER!
And I had to record this here for all posterity. On the off chance Lewis is wrong, but I don’t think he is, then here’s my proof that I tried to get rid of the snake. And the lizard. And, God bless America, there weren’t actually any bugs!
BTW, Lewis did his inspection for free. So if you ever need a good pest control company, I do highly recommend these guys. E-mail me, and I’ll hook you up.